Bad day

Today is a bad, bad, bad day. I am so sick and tired of these emotions and the pain stabbing at my heart. I started out having a good day then suddenly bam it hits me. I do not feel like doing anything now, yet have so much to do. I cannot even force myself to do anything right now. My school books lay scattered on the floor and I have no desire to pick them back up or even care about school right now. I am tired, so tired. Havent been eating much or sleeping well. I hope this day gets better.

Today

Well I have been doing a lot of soul searching and thinking lately and finally decided what I am going to do. I have dwelled on this for quite some time now and the decision I made is the most logical one I could come to. I have a few things to get done first, then everything will be in place and ready. It is such a relief finally having the answer :)

1-16-11

Busy day today. I went through all of my stuff, organizing my pictures and getting all of my important papers gathered together. I also threw out a lot of stuff that I no longer needed and gave some of it away. Had way too much stuff. I talked to some people that I haven`t talked to in awhile and visited some family then had dinner and watched NCIS with my sister and her family. Told some people some things which I have been meaning to say for awhile but never got around to it. Didnt talk to Lauren any today though and still havent got to see Brantley. Dont even know how he is doing because she hasnt answered me back. I am pretty sure he is ok though because he is tough. Another day down.

1-15-11

Woke up pretty early and began on the laundry. Have  been thinking a lot about my kids and how much I miss them. This empty nest syndrome is for the birds. Mood has been ok so far other than the fact of the usual feelings I have everyday.

1-15-11

Applied for a few jobs today and hope I find one really soon. Do not like some of the thoughts I have been having lately. I am still going to be optimistic about things though and keep hope that today will be the day I have been looking forward to. Havent heard anything about Brantley in a couple of days because she wont return my calls or texts. I hope he is fine.

Jan 13th

Feeling down again today. I cannot wait until this depressing weather is over so I can venture out and do things. I have no desire to do much of anything anymore and I hate it. I have decided that I am no longer going to sit around festering in this lonely life that has taken over me. I am going to do something about it and really quick. I cannot take anymore of this and must either step up or hang up my hat. We will see.

My baby boy

I was told today that they admitted my baby boy to the hospital and he has the flu and pneumonia. This really scares me because pneumonia is what killed my oldest son Chris. I hope he gets better quick. I dont know what i would do without my babys

Thoughts

I have been thinking a lot today about life and what part I am to play in it. I have so many thoughts going through my mind everyday, some I forget about after awhile, but others that stay. These are the ones which I dwell on and strive so hard to find answers to. One thing that stays on my mind is how I have been hurt so many times by people that I loved or cared deeply about and those scars remain. I am afraid to trust again after being lied to, betrayed, and stabbed in the back, but I have an emptiness deep inside of me that yearns to be filled. I was married for 20 years and loved the family life and the role that I played in it. Now I am alone and desire to have that again, but my fears and regrets stop me. I would love to have someone here for me who would love me unconditionally, be faithful, caring, supportive and just to be there for me. This is just a scratch on the surface of how I feel about this and wont go on into more details, but I would like a change.

Thursday cont.

Have not felt good today. Got up this morning with a headache again so I went back to bed and slept till around noon. Been in my pajamas all day and no desire to do anything. Wish things would be better and I am trying to have a positive attitude but it is like I have five thousand pounds of weight strapped to me making it difficult to do anything. I am so thankful for my friends and family for being there for me helping me in more ways than they know. I love them all. School starts back next Monday and not real excited about it but I will move forward with it. I weighed myself and lost more weight. Hard to eat and sleep at times but when  I do eat, I eat well. Think I will call up some people and make a date to meet at the Chinese place to eat one day. I miss doing that and will make it a point to do it.

Thursday

Yesterday my daughter came over and took me to lunch. I really enjoy my time with her and Brantley when I get to see them. Worked on a couple of computers the rest of the day trying to fix one up for my sister but a few of the parts were`nt any good so I just gave her my laptop to use. Visited with my great niece and little sister awhile then with my older sister and brother-in-law. Was a pretty good day and in a better mood. Woke up this morning with another headache Ugh. Hope today is a good day.

Tuesday, January 4th, 2011

It has been almost 2 years since my son and my mom passed away and the feelings of losing them are just as strong today as they were back then. I feel as if my life is an emotional roller coaster where I go from being happy to being at rock bottom very quickly. This is not the beginning of my heartaches but was two blows that took me to my knees and almost took me down. It all started when I got divorced. I was married for 20 years. After the divorce I changed jobs which I regret at times, then lost my home and then the loss of my oldest son and my mom. All this happened within a two year period. Seems like before I could recoup from one thing, another tragedy struck.

I am not one to quit anything or to give up, so I did what I had to do.... Survive! I just feel as if I have no purpose here anymore and as if I am empty and hollow inside. I know that it sounds like depression and could well be, but I just know that I must find something to grab onto to serve as a lifeboat for me. I need change and want it, but scared to death of it. I have not dated for over 2 years and keep myself away from people more than I use to. I hate going out and have no desire to do anything, but know that I need to so I force myself to do things.

I have been going to college and working towards a degree in counseling. I want to help others who suffer through things as well as seek out answers for myself.  I am getting ready to begin my 6th semester. Like I mentioned earlier, I am not a quitter and slowly moving on with things. Hard as hell but still moving.