Tuesday, January 4th, 2011

It has been almost 2 years since my son and my mom passed away and the feelings of losing them are just as strong today as they were back then. I feel as if my life is an emotional roller coaster where I go from being happy to being at rock bottom very quickly. This is not the beginning of my heartaches but was two blows that took me to my knees and almost took me down. It all started when I got divorced. I was married for 20 years. After the divorce I changed jobs which I regret at times, then lost my home and then the loss of my oldest son and my mom. All this happened within a two year period. Seems like before I could recoup from one thing, another tragedy struck.

I am not one to quit anything or to give up, so I did what I had to do.... Survive! I just feel as if I have no purpose here anymore and as if I am empty and hollow inside. I know that it sounds like depression and could well be, but I just know that I must find something to grab onto to serve as a lifeboat for me. I need change and want it, but scared to death of it. I have not dated for over 2 years and keep myself away from people more than I use to. I hate going out and have no desire to do anything, but know that I need to so I force myself to do things.

I have been going to college and working towards a degree in counseling. I want to help others who suffer through things as well as seek out answers for myself.  I am getting ready to begin my 6th semester. Like I mentioned earlier, I am not a quitter and slowly moving on with things. Hard as hell but still moving.